1: Remove clothes.
2: Go outside.
3: Keep dog away from certain parts.
4: Place sweaty ass on leather bike seat.
5: Convince yourself it’s all for a “good cause.”
6: Pay dues to Exhibitionists of America.
7: Call anyone who questions it a “voyeur.”
8: Don’t get caught Googling “ass-blister cream.”
9: Apply newly acquired ass-blister cream.
10: Claim “victory” while hiding your limp.
11: Did someone say, “limp”?
12: Hope for cold weather so the shrinkage can be explained.
13: Practice smiling while leather chafes your ass.
14: Re-apply ass-blister cream.
15: Send photos of your training to friends.

Yep, it looks like Boots is ready for tomorrow’s not-so-big ride:

Oh no, here come the naked bike riders. Yep, this Saturday is World Bike Naked Day, an exhibitionist’s dream with a “good cause” thrown in: The protest of the over consumption of oil. Okay, I get the bike and oil non-connection, but the clothes?

Please, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for being naked and riding a bicycle. I just don’t prefer to combine the two. Besides, I can’t quite figure out how to train for it. Ouch. May I suggest a 5-gallon bucket of ASSOS. Yes, it’s a real product and, yes, I use it on my clothed rides.

But the real reason I’m not going is that my buddy, Boots, is not only participating but also way too enthusiastic about it. Like I said, it’s an exhibitionist’s dream.

About a week or so ago, I got what must have been about the seventh call from Boots inviting us to his naked bike ride. Wait, that sounds weird. Oh yeah, because it is.

Anyway, we were getting ready to have dinner and Boots demanded that I stop everything and extend his invitation to my awaiting family. And yes, that’s weird, too.

“Hey,” I called out, “it’s Uncle Boots and he wants to know if we want to go watch him in the naked bike ride.”

My daughter provided the best response: “Ew, Dad. Stop it, I’m getting ready to eat.”

A chip off the old block, indeed.

But good luck, Boots. We most definitely will not be there.

–

Speaking of oil and definitely NOT being naked, the Congressional Republicans released their “energy plan” on Tuesday. The New York Times story on the Republican’s “plan” included the introductory paragraph that the plan deserved:

Badly outnumbered and months behind in the debate on energy and climate change, House Republicans plan to introduce an energy bill on Wednesday as an alternative to the Democratic plan barreling toward a House vote this month.

Ouch. But true.

The Republican’s so-called energy plan reads like something they dusted off from their archives of the “good old days” when Dwight Eisenhower ruled their roost.

“Hey look! An energy plan!”

Again, I’ll let the vaunted Times deliver the specifics:

The Republican proposal, drafted by a group led by Representative Mike Pence of Indiana, leans heavily on nuclear power, setting a goal of building 100 reactors over the next 20 years. No new nuclear plants have been ordered in the United States since 1978 because of the high cost of construction and uncertainty about regulatory approval.

The bill also provides incentives for increased oil and gas production on public and private lands and offshore. It would also authorize oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska, a focus of 30 years of controversy in Congress.

Good luck with all that. And, while you’re at it: Turn your calendars ahead a good 30 years or so.

With opponents like this, why are the Democrats going so slowly?

–

And while we’re talking energy, consider this: Susan Smallheer of the Times Argus is reporting this morning that things went a little whacky during a “preparedness drill” performed by a hazardous materials response team practicing a nuclear mishap situation involving the Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant.

Here’s how Smallheer summed up the problems with the preparedness team’s …well…preparedness:

Wednesday’s drill revealed some real-life problems: [The response] team’s emergency radio wouldn’t work, and they couldn’t pull down a strong cell phone signal to relay information back to headquarters.

The drill also revealed communication problems with the town of Brattleboro, the largest community near the plant.

Oh great.

Let’s see, what’s the one area you DO NOT want to have trouble with when you’re calling yourselves a “response team?” Yes, that’s right: Communications.

Oh please, shut it down and stop this nonsense.

–

And one more thing just because I’m pretending that it’s raining and I need to be inside: The all-terrain-vehicle (ATV) riders in Vermont are involved in an obvious letter-writing campaign as a result of George Wuerthner’s excellent op/ed piece recently excoriating the new Douglas Administration’s sneaky little attempt to allow these gas-pigs to “rip it up” on state-owned forest land.

The letters all go something like this: “Why can’t I ride my machine wherever I want?”

Oh, come on. But let me entertain the question in a manner that pretends it’s a serious question from a person with opposable thumbs. Your answers:

1) For the same reason that I can’t hold a Sonic Youth rock concert in the center of the Montpelier roundabout at 2:00 am.
2) Because if we allow you to call your ATV-riding a “sport,” you’ll soon tell us that operating your bulldozer is a sport, too.
3) Because machines in the forest should be working, not “playing.”
4) Because there’s an oil crisis, you idiot.
5) Because there is absolutely nothing compatible with your ATV in the forest – not hiking, not running, not biking and not horse riding.
6) Because your insistence on calling ATV-riding a “traditional” Vermont activity is ridiculous. Unless, of course, you also consider your latest bowel movement an “antique.”

Enough already.

But, just so you know, the Vermont Department of Natural Resources is holding a hearing for public comment on its new plan to allow ATVers to use public land this Monday night (June 15th). The hearing is scheduled to run from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. at the Pavilon Auditorium on State Street. Go if you can to say no to “rippin’it up” in our state forests.

First up, the Lame Blog Award. And this one’s easy for now: The Vermont Press Bureau’s “Vermont View.” Geez, you’d think that after they’d plaster their newspapers with advertisements for their site declaring that “the blog is mightier than the sword (cheesy sword photo included),” they’d at least bother to post once in awhile. But, then again, the Press Bureau boys have been busy lulling us to sleep with “analysis” like this first sentence in Louis Porter’s article in today’s Times Argus:

“A week after a special session that marked the true end of this year’s legislative session there remain stark differences between Gov. James Douglas and lawmakers not only about that session, but what comes next.”

Wow. And in case you are a complete and total moron, Porter does you a favor by serving you this in his third sentence:

“There also were – and remain – significant differences in opinion about other bills made into law.”

No!?

So, class, are you getting it? Yes, that’s right, the Republican governor and the Democratic legislature have “differences.” But don’t worry, if you’re still not getting it, Porter and his pals will be serving it up for you daily.

Remember, it’s this kind of reporting that landed Porter’s predecessor, Chris Graff, a plum corporate job at National Life. I wonder if they’re getting ready to hire again….

–

Speaking of all things political in Vermont, congrats to Rep. David Zuckerman (P-Burlington) for giving a little verbal smack down to the Democratic leadership for its “unfortunate lack of attention to detail” when it came to the budget bill that recently became law. This so-called lack of attention led to 80 state employees losing their jobs last week because of the date in which the leadership decided to let the budget bill take effect.

Because the start-date of the budget bill was set to be July 1st, Gov. Douglas has until then to ignore one of the bill’s provisions that any and all state job cuts must be approved by the legislature. In other words, for the next three weeks Douglas can cut as he’d like to cut. And that’s exactly what Douglas did last week when he announced the immediate layoffs of the 80 employees. Oops.

The Democratic leader of the State Senate, Peter Shumlin, fessed up to the date blunder, telling the Times Argus that there was “no question” that they goofed. But then Shumlin sounded a lot like the pre-Iraq War national Democrats when he offered this lame bit of whining:

“We just didn’t think the governor would go to these lengths to avoid legislative intent.”

Yeah, and I didn’t think the dog would eat my burger if I held it under the table.

–

Oh wait, this is just coming in from the Vermont News Wire: It appears all members of the media are now thinking that the next race for governor will be “interesting.” And the reason they’re so sure: Eric Davis told them so. All of them. Over and over.

Stay tuned.

–

Speaking of the oh-so-very “interesting” race for governor in 2010, wouldn’t you think some of those good Democrats out there would take this early opportunity to start demanding some issue positions from the three or four folks who are running for their Party’s nomination? Not so. Instead, all the talk is about personalities, connections (she sent me an email!), money, and – worse — to declare that the Democratic primary opponents shouldn’t be running against each other but rather against Douglas. Huh?

Oh great, just what we need, more milquetoast Dems putting themselves in soft-focus while the people of Vermont are demanding some very real answers and bold actions.

Memo to the grassroots Dems: Get off your asses and start making your candidates commit to the issues before they get too committed to the moneyed-elite that they’re so busy courting right now.

Just a suggestion. And free, too!

Ah, 50-degrees and rain in June. Is it happy hour yet?

Repeat after me, Vermonters: This too shall pass.

As in: Straight to snow.

But don’t get me wrong, we all really, really love it here. Right?

–

For those wondering about the “new site,” sit tight. Yes, I am brewing up something fun for my Vermont readers, mostly because I’m tired of having my out-of-Vermont-readers say things like: Who the hell is Mark Johnson? Oops, was that a hint? As in: Vermont media. Oh my.

Speaking of Vermont media, check out this excellent piece by George Wuerthner in today’s Times Argus. The Douglas Administration’s shameless – and underhanded – gift to the All-Terrain-Vehicle (ATV) yahoos is, in my humble opinion, the biggest missed story by Vermont’s sleepy press this week. Yo Vermonters, read it and take action.

Department of Corrections: Yesterday, I reported that I was “unplugged.” This analysis was based on a certain feeling I was having while staring into the screen that I am now convinced is stealing my eyesight. I was wrong. I am, indeed, plugged. I apologize for the error.

Too Plugged to Rock: Damn. The Meat Puppets are playing in Burlington tonight and I’m too plugged to rock with them. My rock-buddy, Jack, got the bad news a bit ago: Moike’s sinuses are too full to hold up a lighter and scream, “Where do bad folks go when they die?” Of course, you Meat Puppet fans out there will get the reference. And, for those who don’t, feast your eyes and ears on this Nirvana cover of a Meat Puppets classic:

Oh, and while we’re on the topic of Nirvana (huh?), here’s another one:

Disclaimer: Nirvana’s manager was a founding board member of Food & Water.

–

My friend and fellow-blogger, NTodd, is off on a courageous activist adventure in Gaza to protest the imperialist violence happening there. Please, take a moment or two to read about his adventures at his site. And yes, when he talks about “Patch,” he is, indeed, talking about his activist cohort, Patch Adams.

Bravo to you, NTodd.

–

Rep. Peter Welch (D-VT) has an opponent: Yep, read about him here: Vermont Commons.

But I’m sure all the good liberals will either beat him into submission (how could you?!) or – better yet – simply ignore him.

And, speaking of Welch, how’s he doing on stopping the Iraq War? And no, that is NOT a “yes or no question.”

–

Yesterday, the Obama Administration announced that it would not seek to overturn the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy regarding gay service members. Here’s how the Associated Press reported the decision:

During last year’s campaign, President Barack Obama indicated that he supported eventually repealing the law, but he has made no specific move to do so since taking office in January. The White House has said it won’t stop the military from dismissing gays and lesbians who admit their sexuality.

Oh baby, feel the change….

–

Number One Reason to Hate the Internet Today: Oprah’s pussy. As in, why do I have to read about her vaginal injections nearly everywhere I go? But what does that have to do with John McCain? Read the comments here.
–

Finally, last week my wife and I celebrated our 18th anniversary. And, during our anniversary meal, she declared that she wanted to “re-do” our vows. How sweet, right? Wrong. Because, as I learned, there’s a big difference between “re-do” and “re-new.” Re-doing our vows, in her mind at least, meant changing much of the wording and striking out entire passages and pledges in the original. In sickness and health? Fuck that.

I guess she’s got a good lawyer.

–

Carry on.

And now, with gasoline on my fingers, I type for you.

Well, you’re here, aren’t you?

–

Speaking of gasoline, it reminds me of the first performance of the nascent Drunken Boat – circa 1986 in Iowa City, Iowa. My brother, Todd, the lead guitarist, Steve Gross, and I (on Tupperware drums and pizza-pan cymbals) performed for an art class at the University of Iowa. Steve made some feedback, I made some rhythms, and Todd chanted in a manner that made the student-audience wonder if they should have either smoked more dope for breakfast, called 911, or let their Iowa-asses loose enough to simply enjoy the show. Here’s what Todd chanted:

Gasoline
Licorice
Nevada.

It was a great show. Giving us the confidence to get another guitar player, a bass player (hey honey, wanna play bass?), and set the whole “band thing” in motion.

Back in the living room, we made some very crude recordings of our post-punk noise-poetry thing and sent it to a few clubs. And, to our surprise, we were booked at Amelia’s, a college-town hot spot that welcomed fellow-Midwestern acts like The Replacements (good Minneapolis boyz).

“Oh shit,” I remember saying, “I need a drum set.”

I borrowed a few hundred bucks to get a cheap kit on the day before our first gig. It was a lot different than Tupperware. But not much better in terms of sound quality.

Whatever. We were post-punks.

Good days, indeed. But now the “leader” of the band, Mr. Todd, turns forty-fucking-seven on Saturday.

But once a punk, always a punk.

The problem is, punk rarely pays.

Damn.

–

In other news, people with power continue to tell you what you need to be worried about.

Get over it.

–

My name is Mike and I am unplugged.

–

But wait, why do you have gasoline on your fingers, Mike?

Well, from fixing the fuel lines on the old mower.

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,

Vroooooommmmmm….

–

Wait, this just in: The Vermont media and blogosphere are reporting that next year’s gubernatorial race should be “interesting.” Wow.

Stay tuned.

–

And wait, this just in too: The Democratic hacks are reporting that they’re going to win easily and the Republican hacks are saying the same. But the bland man who reported it (pick one) managed to report all of the above without having his head explode from the nothingness of it all.

Instead, he cashed his check, straightened his smile, and walked happily down State Street humming, “I am me and you are you and we are all the…walrus.”

I didn’t get it either. But I report, you let it slide.

–

Oh damn, this just in too: The Vermont blogosphere is reporting that it, too, agrees with everything that can be agreed with within the confines of Vermont agree-ability. Meaning, of course, that everything is fine, Vermont is still convinced that it is the most different, and that we will all continue to pretend that nothing is strange with the fact that 40% of Vermonters voted for both Bernie Sanders and Jim Douglas.

Common theme: We’re great.

–

Now, back to the gasoline.

Sorry, I’ve been busy morphing into Joe the Vermonter. It’s a long story.

But the European trip was a huge success. Keep your eye out for the new sponsors and — I hope — comments from my new friends.

In the meantime, a video: