Ah, remember the good old days (the ‘80s) when America’s healthy dose of paranoia and fear were being channeled toward mere neighborhood petty criminals. McGruff, the government-funded cartoon crime dog, led the charge. And he took his job very seriously, a job that was, as best as I could tell, to make you and your family nervous as all hell about…well…everything around you. But after he worked your nervous system to a lather by convincing you to always be on the lookout for…well…everything, McGruff wouldn’t even allow you to reach for a drink or a joint to chill for a bit. Because you should fear that too, silly boy.

Channeling America’s paranoia and fear is nothing new for our government. It’s what makes it tick most of the time. Think: wars. And America’s perfected the recipe for war (one part paranoia, one part fear, one part greed, and one part near-delusional self-love; mix well; prepare to launch).

The government invented McGruff at a time when our nation’s fear and paranoia tendencies needed to be redirected. It was, after all, the good old ‘80s. Ronald Reagan was trying to put America into a deep nap so that the military industrial complex could strengthen its stranglehold on…well…everything.

But our “enemy” at the time – the big, bad Soviets – were obviously losing their luster as a full-fledged fear-mongering tool. They were, after all, going broke, breaking apart and beginning to think about “tearing down that wall.” Wimps.

So in came McGruff. And out went Kennedy’s eloquent admonition about fearing fear itself. Because McGruff was all about fear via the creation of America’s next boogiemen.

Turning America’s fear and paranoia inward is always a risky proposition. It can backfire, you know (read: McCarthy). But the Reagan Administration needed to take the risk to help it create a cultural mood of class suspicion, jealousy and fear. It was a time of pretending to “hate” big government (but sucking from its tit like a hungry infant), and shaming – if not outright attacking – the welfare class.

We’d be fine, Reagan winked to us, if only we could reverse the flow of money. As in: kick the bastard welfare cheats off the dole and send the money back to the rich. Ah, shallow modern American conservatism was born.

McGruff set the mood brilliantly. To hell with the Soviets, it’s your neighbors you better be looking out for. See for yourself:

Great stuff. Better on drugs, I suppose.

And I miss it. Because as insidious as McGruff’s “war on crime” propaganda of the time was, it’s nothing compared to the “war on terror” propaganda we’re having to endure today.

Bring back McGruff, get out of Iraq & Afghanistan.

That’s my message today and I’m sticking to it.

Jack is older than I am today. I’ve already reminded him of that — several times. But it’s true. And I only speak the truth: Jack is older than I am (today).

But what I really wanted to say is, happy birthday, Jack.

The European dairy farmers continue to demonstrate what milk protests are supposed to look like. Because this congressional-kiss-ass game doesn’t seem to be working here in the U.S.A., does it?

Will anyone be playing music like this tonight in Montpelier? Just wondering (and wishing).

Oh hell, you again. Geez, can a man be lost on his own? Or must you always be tagging along?

Okay, okay, that wasn’t nice. And I want to be nice. It’s the new me.

Nice is what came over me today when my daughter came into my office and said: “I don’t want to go to school today.”

How does a former school-hating boy-turned-man-turned-father respond to such a statement…honestly?

The community norms would dictate that I say something like, “you must go to school, because everyone must go to school.”

But before the word “everyone” would drip from my tongue I know I’d just blow it with hysterical laughter.

But wait, I could try this: “But Daddy has to go to the Northeast Kingdom to work in the woods, visit a man who is selling horse-drawn equipment cheap, and then collect wild apples for the winter’s apple sauce.”

No, that wouldn’t work, either.

So she skipped school. And went with me to the Kingdom to do all of the above.

Beautiful drive. Beautiful day. No regrets.

Well, other than the pressure from you bastards.

There. You have words. Now let me sleep.

Well, that was boring. I’m speaking, of course, of Brian Dubie’s announcement this morning that he’s seeking an electoral promotion from his current position of Lieutenant Governor to just-plain Governor. With all the flare that an email can produce, Dubie’s staff hit the “send” button and – voila! – the Dubester was in the race.

In political campaign circles that kind of announcement is what is technically called a “dud.” No, make that a big dud. Because Dubie had Vermont’s political and media elite almost wetting themselves in anticipation of his decision, and he squandered the anticipation by having a private moment with his webmail program. So let that be a lesson, Vermonters: When the heat is on, Dubie hides.

Dubie’s announcement went ripping through the media and Internet shortly after 9:00 am this morning. I got my first word of it via WDEV’s Mark Johnson Show, and then saw numerous Internet posts thereafter. But when WDEV’s Paul Beaudry stepped up to his “I’ll pay you for some airwaves” show at 11:00 he was acting as if he was sitting on a scoop.

“We might be breaking some very big news for you shortly, people,” Beaudry told his listeners. “News that you’ll probably be hearing here first.”

Um, Paul, everyone already knew. You dope. But it should give us all one more reason to file each and every one of his silly rants under the category of “delusional.” And that’s being kind.

But let’s get back to Dubie. This will be his last election because he will lose it. His political mentor, Governor Jim Douglas, decided to step aside because he knew he was facing a tsunami of challenges (and challengers) in 2010. Vermont’s economy is going to get much worse between now and next year’s election, layoffs will continue at an even more dramatic pace, and the Democrats – lame as they are – are throwing all kinds of money and talent at the race.

Douglas is no dummy. Dubie is. Because it’s almost as if Douglas stuck out his leg, tripped him, and then called out with a snicker: See you next fall (nyuck, nyuck).

The only chance Dubie has is if he can convince his old friend, Anthony Pollina, to recall – and repeat — their warm embrace on election night 2002. In case you forgot, that was the night Dubie first claimed his statewide title after a three-way race with Pollina the Prog and Peter Shumlin the Democrat. Strangely – and nearly unprecedented as far as I know – after Dubie’s victory was announced, Pollina walked to Dubie’s campaign headquarters to give him a big congratulatory hug. Weird.

One thing’s for sure, a major campaign with Brian Dubie as a key player will be an absolute hoot to follow. The guy’s a walking goofball – a strange combination of Gomer Pyle and Don Knotts. And that, my friends, is exactly why Dubie decided to hide in his office and make his biggest political announcement of his career via email.

But, sooner or later, Dubie’s going to have to take the stage. And I can’t wait.