On Dubie & Masturbation: Sorry, I really wanted to use that headline. I’m speaking, of course, about the news that Lieutenant Governor Brain Dubie (R-Mars via Vermont) got yet another re-election gift yesterday when Seven Days’ Shay Totten broke the news that his chief opponent in 2010, Ed Flanagan, was accused of multiple incidents of masturbating at the Burlington YMCA recently. Ouch.
To be fair, Flanagan is denying the allegations and declaring it a non-issue since he’s no longer going to be frequenting the YMCA. Perhaps he’ll try “exercising” in the privacy of his bedroom next? We can only hope.
Flanagan is also declaring that these allegations will not deter him in his bid to unseat Dubie. While this is clearly silly talk, it would be great if it were true. I mean, come on (no pun intended – oh wait, maybe it was), wouldn’t it be great to see the semi-illiterate Dubie taking on the Public Masturbator? Priceless.
In the meantime, it will be interesting to see how the masters of group think – The Vermont Dems – will respond to this news. Mostly, I’ll expect them to ignore it and Flanagan from here on out and rally behind another candidate faster than a Vermont summer.
One thing they won’t do is get out the same broad brush they like to use when Republicans are caught in similar predicaments. You won’t, for example, here them declare themselves and their party hypocrites or “nutters” because of Flanagan’s public arousal. That’s because to be a member of either party all-too-often means trading in your thinking cap for a set of pom-poms. Go, team, go!
I’ll bet a lot of money on the fact that we won’t be seeing one of those “kick ‘em while they’re down but sugar coat it with sophomoric humor” posts by Philip Baruth over the Flanagan allegations. Nor, I’m guessing, will we see the Dem cheerleaders over at Green Mountain Daily demanding that any and all Dem-club members denounce Flanagan or…or…or…be considered public masturbators themselves! You’ve been warned! (Yawn).
By the way, there’s apparently no truth to the rumor about Governor Jim Douglas’ reaction to the Flanagan masturbation allegations. Douglas did not, apparently, ask a staff member: “What’s masturbation?”
Stay tuned for more details. Or not.
But, before I let this one go, let’s have a contest! Dear readers, it’s time to chime in on what Ed Flanagan’s campaign slogan should be in 2010 given this recent news. Send your suggestions directly to me at: mcolby@broadsides.org. Or, if you’d rather, post them in the comments section. Have fun.
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While we’re on the subject of politicians masturbating in public, it appears real health-care reform will not be a reality this year.
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Hay Update: Done. Yep, 450 bales were brought in yesterday. I’m a mere five short of my 700 goal but I’m calling it good enough. Whew. And thanks to Bel & Sam for being there with me all day long.
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Ben & Jerry’s blasted for wasting water in Europe. Check this out. Interesting. And not a peep about it in Vermont – surprise, surprise.
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Read: Denis Johnson’s Nobody Move. Wow, what a fun summer read. But, then again, I’m a sucker for Johnson’s work (disclaimer: we both spent too many years in Iowa City, Iowa). Nobody Move represents a much different writing avenue for Johnson: a crime thriller. But he nails it, providing some fast-paced action, violence, sex and the pursuit of the “hidden cash.” My only complaint is the ending. It felt more than a little abrupt.
Nobody Move will most certainly be a movie in the future. In fact, this little novella almost reads like a screenplay. If it turns out to be half as good as Jesus’ Son, the last Johnson book to make it to the big screen, it’ll be a treat.
Here are a couple random lines that I marked while reading Nobody Move:
He wasn’t wearing a Hawaiian shirt at the moment but undoubtedly possessed several.
Ruthless neon on the wet streets like busted candy.
And, while were on the subject of Denis Johnson, check out this excerpt of an interview he did with a San Francisco newspaper several years ago:
I had started working on the novel. I’d met a woman and I got married, but the money ran out right away. She came home and said, “There’s no money.” And I said, “I know. I’m sorry.” She told me I had to get a job. I hadn’t had a job for seven months, and it just came over me that I was never going to work again. It hit me. You can’t get to the point where you say, “When I’m financially stable, then I’ll quit work.” You have to quit work first. She wanted to know what was going to happen—the rent was about to run out. I told her, “I’m going to live on the street. I’m going to write on the street.” She was mad; she left. I had my typewriter. It only took me three months to finish the novel, and it was published. She came back a lot later.
How about this for a Flanagan slogan:
“Beat Me!”
Vote For Me And I’ll Spank My Monkey!
You’re in Good Hands with Flanagan!
Or: Ed Flanagan: The Good Hands Candidate
P.S. What do I win?
Ed = (hand) Jobs
Hand jobs?
Ed will hand you jobs.
How about: Yes He Can.
First, let me say I’m totally opposed to this tasteless contest.
Secondly, here’s my entry: Hope You Can Stroke.
Thirdly, shame on us all.
Hands-on experience.
Whoa. Jesus fucking Christ, dude. Flanagan has had a traumatic brain injury, did you forget that? And one of the effects of that can often be behaviors that would be controlled in an undamaged brain, as that control center doesn’t function correctly, it’s well documented.
You’re way off on this one, dude. And, most people I talked to about this (yes, even “those Dems”) feel that if this is indeed true, Flanagan needs to retire from public life.
Not funny at all. And you know how generally unoffendable I am.
You were right, Colby, here come the Democratic apologists. Pot, meet Kettle.
I clicked on “JD’s” site. Did you know you’re being lectured to by a guy who promotes “sexploitation” films? Too funny.
JD: Flanagan is an elected official who is currently seeking higher office. Thus, he’s fair game.
You’d be having a field day with this if Flanagan were a Republican.
And that’s what drives me nuts about you partisans.
See, if you had voted for Nader you wouldn’t have to worry about any of this because I’m almost certain that he’s never even thought about pleasure.
Ah, life is grand in the cheap seats….
Ed Flanagan: Standing Up For Vermont
Re: the drip, drip, drip in Waterbury. Who knew that B&J supported waterboarding?
Few things:
1. If he was a Republican with a TBI, no I woudn’t be cracking jerk-off jokes.Dicky as I may sometimes be, I’m not that</i. much of a dick.
2. Right about Nader and pleasure… was he running for mayor or something last year?
3. In terms of Flanagan being “fair game”.. from the context of whether or not his condition renders him fit for public office, yes that is fair game. I don’t deny that. But like I said, the guy has some serious problems, is very humiliated right now (have you seen Ed since his accident?) and at least deserves not to be mocked for this. There’s a big difference between a guy with a TBI and a moralizing homophobic Republican (or Dem). And I’ve never been much of a fan of Flanagan, either.
4. JB… “apologist”? Really, funny, I looked at my site, went back the last few months, don’t see much apologizin’ going on. Yeah. grindhouse films with afros, chainsaws and big-tittied women are awesome. What’s your point on that, I’m not PC enough for you?
Well….all I can think of is The Right Hand Coalition I invented in 2000 for Civil Union rights. But, as all of America jacks-off on the rest of the world, perhaps Ed’s showing us something about ourselves. Like, he may have TBI, but there’s a Real Brain still functioning there. Fondling America’s BIG DICK has given us all some brain damage.
And our inability to understand disability is our own disability.
And what’s Dubie doing Right Now?!–Hey, look…he can’t get it up… Keep trying, Brian. There’s votes out there. I myself love the hand job you get every two years in the voting booth.
Flanagan is in control of this story. He hasn’t played the brain injury card and he’s reaffirmed his desire for higher office. Yes, JD, that makes him very, very fair game.
JD: You’re making excuses for Flanagan that Flanagan isn’t even using. Until he does, that makes you an apologist for him.
Ed Flanagan: He’s Got All Of Vermont In His Hand.
JD: What if he was a Republican with depression? You know, like Gov. Mark Sanford? Or Larry Craig?
And in your apparent pursuit of “apologizing” for Flanagan, you’re forgetting one important fact: Flanagan is denying it.
So, in effect, you’re convicting him by continuing to offer his alibi.
So if this really has nothing to do with politics, why don’t you head down to the courthouse this afternoon and offer the judge some compelling defenses to those denying similar charges.
“Wait, Judge, I know he’s denying it, but don’t you know he was abused as a child!?”
But make sure you only do it for those who are registered as Democrats….
Sorry, dude, you’re blind on this one. And I think I know how you got blind….
Ed Flanagan: He Won’t Hide Anything From You
“Flanagan ’10 (both hands)” or, even better:
“Flanagan ——-’10
Michael Colby’s Friend”
or: “Vermont ‘Loggers’ for Flanagan”
or: “Shit. I Wouldn’t Run Now If You Begged Me! I’ve Got Better Things To Do”
JB…. don’t you have some teaparties to go to or some fetus killers to yell hysterically at… perhaps you can say it’s “nonpartisan” yelling? At least Mike’s still having you around.
S’ok, everyone needs a crazy aunt, I guess.
MC: I know Flanagan’s denying it. And I also know that TBI people also often have no recollection of what they do. Sanford’s depression is a piss poor analogy… it takes a lot of knowledge, planning, and self-awareness to go and bang some lady in Argentina. I know you like to box anyone who’s not a self-proclaimed/self-important “radical” into one convenient little box. It’s just hysterical when you do it to me, because you know me pretty well and you also know that’ ain’t the case.
But i digress… I couldn’t give two shits about the political proclivities of Flanagan… I’ve never been much of a fan. I just think to jump on the jerk-off-joke bandwagon is a bit premature and tasteless, even for you. That’s all I’m, sayin’, ya douche.
I’m unemployed now. You don’t want me hangin’ out in your woods, Mike. Don’t make me come over there. Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya’?
JD: So much for taking a breath and not pre-judging.
Sorry, I’m not a “teabagger,” just a lefty like your friends Colby and Hamilton.
Relatively new to Vermont, I haven’t delved too deeply into the ongoing hissy-fit between the Progs and Dems here, especially since I am leaving soon, but my thinking is, maybe Mr. Flanagan was “reaching out” (and around?) to the Progressives and their deeply held beliefs, given their unwavering, uncompromising, pristine (and much much holier-than-thou), positions on the sanctity of personal freedom?
What better symbolic (although meaningless, as masturbation often can be) display of standing up to tyranny is there than masturbating in public?
JB… apologies if you’re not the JB I thought you were.
Apologies accepted, JD. I was scratching my head over your “teabagger” comment. That ain’t me, babe.
I’ll pop over to your site again soon and mix it up with there. Colby doesn’t deserve any more traffic.