Snarky Boy Returns: The Vermont Governor’s Race

I recently checked my very old Snarky Boy email account for the first time in many, many months and actually found some very fine gems lurking amidst the porn and promises from foreign kings and princesses. So, I thought, why not a new feature? And we’ll call it: Ask Snarky Boy. And you will read it. Because we know you are bored silly by the constant diet of pap and nothingness being served to you, dear (Vermont) readers. So, here you go:

Ask Snarky Boy (#1): Yo Snarkmaster, why have you been so silent on the governor’s race in Vermont?

Snarky Boy responds: Well, master of yesteryear, if you took a moment to remove your head from your ass, you’d know that the “snarkmaster” was sentenced to silence by forces beyond my control several years ago. Perhaps we’ll get around to dealing with that later. Or perhaps not. And, as Bush would say, I’ll be the “decider” on that.

As for the current race for governor in Vermont, here’s my thought: fffffaaaaarrrrrtttttt.

First, let’s dispense with the Republican, Brian Dubie. Can you say, “Vermont’s answer to George W. Bush?” I knew you could. Because that’s what Vermont gets with Dubie, a Bush-like gaff-machine who has perfected the art of aw-shucksing his way out of awkward moments of – say – serious policy discussions.

Seriously, though, have you heard Dubie being interviewed lately? Jesus-fucking-Christ, he sounds like a frat-boy who just sniffed up his first lines of coke and then rambles on like he’s found a new streak of genius. Sorry, Dubie, but you’re still the same idiot – just more hyper. Bad combination, for sure. And we don’t give a shit about your pilot’s license.

But Vermonters like Vermonters, even when those Vermonters are as dense as the maples we like to tap. How else can you explain the political success (four terms as lite-guv) of someone like Dubie who is basically a right-wing lunatic (No abortion! No gay marriages! No regulations!)?

There’s only one answer to that: Guffaw. Guffaw. Oh yeah, and have you seen his pilot’s license?

Oh yeah, I guess there are some Democrats running too. Five of them. And the funny thing about that is people thought a five-way primary would make things interesting. Hardly.

The five-way between Markowitz, Racine, Dunne, Shumlin, Bartlett has been little more than snores-ville. The not-so-secret-strategy between them all being: Don’t rock the boat and, instead, get out the votes.

Worse, the sleepy libs that they’re targeting for primary day on August 24th seem totally content with the nothingness of the so-called race. Take, for example, the words of Julie Waters over at the bellwether blog for Democratic sleepiness, Green Mountain Daily: “I’ll vote for the first Dem candidate who does a good job mowing my lawn.”

Oh Julie, it’s always about you isn’t it? Please, post another video of you playing guitar in your living room! Wow. Rock star.

It only gets worse when you try to tune into the “professional” media opinions regarding the Dem primary. Because, when you do, you get heaping helpings of this kind of mental gooeyness:

“Each candidate is really determined to win.” – Kristin Carlson, WCAX

“It’s going to be really close and the person who can get out the votes will win.” – uber commentator Eric Davis, from Middlebury College (Geez, how much are those political science majors paying in tuition there?).

“This race will ultimately be decided on voting day.” – Chris Graff, formerly a media guy who now is a vice-president at National Life because, quite obviously, he was more qualified to hawk life insurance policies than political analysis.

But, such is life in Vermont politics: Boring.

So, to break the spell, here’s Snarky Boy’s quick rundown on each Dem candidate:

Doug Racine: Been there, done that. This sleepy little daddy’s boy had his chance in 2002 when he ran – and lost – against the current incumbent, Jim Douglas. He had his chance and he blew it, mostly because he had no fire in his belly. And let’s face it: He’s got even less fire in his belly now. He’s hoping that his “let’s study health care” bill will fool enough liberals to make them think he’s awake. But, sorry Dougie, those of us with a memory remember that you tried this same trick in the ‘90s. The real question is: What the hell have you been doing since then?

Peter Shumlin: He’s the kind of politician who makes you want to take a shower after talking with him. You know, get the sleaze off and all. Shumlin will tell you what he thinks you want to know. And then he’ll turn to the next person and do the same – without regard to consistency, for sure. And, for some reason, he’s always telling us about how he’s been hunting with his shirt off lately. I guess that’s a commentary on global warming but…whatever. Worse, he’s about as geeky-political as they get but he insists on showing us footage of him on a farm and in a barn. Awkward doesn’t come close to describing it.

Deb Markowitz: Please, what’s up with those bug-eyes during debates? I really thought she’d be the most palatable candidate at the beginning of this process but…no such luck. She’s clearly getting the advice that is all-too-common amongst Dems: Hide your true self and opinions because the people won’t be able to handle it. Well, sorry, Deb, but the people have good bullshit detectors. And holding a press conference to declare that as governor you’ll forgo the gubernatorial lunch allowance to save money is…well.. bullshit.

Matt Dunne: Repeat after Matt: I am NOT too young. I am NOT too young. But, sorry Matt, the more you say it, the more the voters wonder. Dunne, of course, is the state-legislator-turned-Google-exec who now wants to (guess what?) bring the Internet to “every last mile of Vermont’s dirt roads.” Um, can you say, “conflict of interest?” Frankly, I’m getting a little sick and tired of this “universal Internet coverage” nonsense – especially when it’s coming from a former exec of Google, a company that makes no secret of its desires to get people hooked (up) so it can continue to rake in obscene amounts of money. I’ve got a better idea: Why don’t we first start with universal health care before we worry about universal Internet coverage? Everybody now: Fuck Drudge, I need a check-up.

Susan Bartlett: Okay, I get it: You’re a little bit country and a whole lot moderate. Good luck with that – especially in a five-way Democratic primary. Besides, Bartlett blew it on her Vermont Yankee waffling and her rollover and play dead approach to taking on Gov. Douglas when she was the Vermont Senate’s Appropriations Committee Chair. Sorry, much like your cohorts in the Senate — Shumlin and Racine — you had your chance and you dithered while Douglas burned those most in need.

So there you have it. Sorry you asked?

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But let’s keep this rolling. Send your questions for Snarky Boy to: VTSnarkyBoy@yahoo.com

Thanks for playing.