What can I say, I’m an addict. A political addict, that is. And, damn it, I’ve been on a bit of a bender lately when it comes to imbibing in the empty calories of mainstream politics. Let’s face it, putting these two ninny conventions together in the back-to-back fashion that they did this time is nothing short of torture. At this point, I’ll admit to anything – just stop the convention torture!
But, having monitored more than my fair share of both the Democrats’ and the Republicans’ convention spectacles, I can say with some authority that neither has articulated a plan for the following:
- Ending the war
- Providing health care (or even lowering the cost of health care)
- Addressing global warming
- The housing crisis
- Or the jobs crisis.
But they sure can unleash the confetti! And fly the flag! And jab their counterparts for – what? – being more effective at doing nothing. Good grief.
The creepiest of the creepy moment in both conventions, besides the really bad white-guy dancing that they shared, was the chant of “drill baby, drill” by the Republican crowd. It’s kind of like chanting “drink baby, drink” to an alcoholic on the barstool. But with visions of their SUV’s and their Exxon stock portfolio dancing in their heads, they just couldn’t resist.
But, you’ve got to admit, there’s something refreshing about Republican honesty – evil as it can be. The Republican clarity on energy policy goes like this: Drill baby, drill and then burn baby, burn. Fuck yeah! America rocks! Drop the confetti!
The Democrats, of course, have the same plan but they can’t get themselves to be as honest. Instead, they’d be chanting something like: Drill tomorrow, not today and then feel good about the delay. Or something like that. Fuck yeah! America rocks! Drop the confetti!
The real skill in all this convention stuff is trying to convince people that there is such a “huge” difference between the two parties. One is all about a sunny future and the other is all about the next hell storm. And vice versa. Never mind that they share most of the same corporate sponsors and carry much of the same water for those same sponsors. Both look pretty damn cloudy to me.
In Plato’s dialogue, Lysis, he writes the following:
…the nearer wicked men come to each other, and the more they see of each other, the greater enemies they become…
Hmm, sounds like the Democrats and the Republicans: So close, yet such enemies.
–
Grumpy Old Man from the Grand Old Party: But wait, I forgot to mention the McCain speech. I swear I’ve seen that speech somewhere. Wait, did Jack Lemmon give that speech in Grumpy Old Men IV? No, that’s not it. Or was it Goldwater in 1964? Of course it was. In fact, I think that WAS Goldwater.
“Come here, Mr. McCain,” said the makeup people when he arrived. “We can make you anybody tonight.” And, after much pondering, the crews went to work with 50-gallon drums of orange gunk to fulfill McCain’s makeup fantasies: “I want to be the me of 30 years ago!” And so they tried. And, oh boy, none of us were even fooled.
Note to McCain: That speech was so 1970s. To hell with all the talk about Palin’s experience. Because I think it’s more important to have a pulse than experience. And I guess it would be really cool to have both. No such luck when it comes to the McCain/Palin ticket.
The only time his speech Viagra seemed to kick in was at the end when he got so damn excited he couldn’t even stop his verbal ejaculations, shouting over the audience and making us all think the same thing: Oh fuck, he’s gonna stroke out on us. But, lucky for us, no doctors had to be called since his speech Viagra didn’t lead to a verbal erection lasting more than three hours. Whew.
Did you see the PBS coverage of, not 1, but 3 protest sign incidents during Mama’s Boy’s speech?
And what about his ex-wife? Family values? And did you know that his granddad Vice Admiral ‘Slew’ McCain was a notorious fuck-up in the Pacific War from Guadalcanal through the typhoon disasters to 3rd Fleet, Dec. ’44–June, ’45?
All the lies last night–you’d think the Dems had been in the last 8 years and created this mess. McCain’s theme: More low paying jobs for all Americans–somebody’s gotta pay the taxes.
Mother Teresa, for Christ sake. The only thing they didn’t take credit for was our moon landing. Did you notice, McCain as a POW had that cigarette in his hand? Boy, I wonder if they were torturing him with nicotine?
If the Beverly Hillbillies were still on, Jethro would say: “Hot Damn, Uncle Jed. I’m gonna run for President and use the Red Phone and start a war with them Russkies. And drill for more oil. Mr. Drysdale at Halliburton says we’re running out. Fuck your critters, Ellie-May!
Pete — You’re so fucking negative. Can’t you just let yourself be mesmerized by the confetti for a single moment? Think of them, if you must, as those “thousand points of light” crashing down. Little dreams fluttering to their brilliant deaths, some landing on the orange moon — oh wait, that was McCain’s head.
There are no more American politics. Only American TV.
Do you think we can TiVo the next war? I’d hate to miss it.
anyone who actually picks and shells peas knows peas in the same pod can differ significantly. some may be rotten and others only suffer from mildew.
Oh, there she is
Ms. Vice President
of America
There she is
your beauty queen
Sh’s got a pair of legs
and a pair of titties
a hunting rifle
to shot liberal twities
She’s the babe
we’ve been looking for
She’s the girl next door
what we’re fighting for
Oh there she is
Madame Vice President
There she is
almost in the nude
Of all the candidates
with their lying bullshit
I think that we all know
that there she is
God created her where she is
Ms. Vice President
Yo Pete — How much would it take to get you to sing this at Langdon Street Cafe? Priceless.
As for the “Mentor:” Are the Republicans rotten and the Dems mildewy? Or vice versa? Please clarify.
tweedledee and tweedledum
I’ll sing that if you sing this:
The Real Killers
CSI, Halliburton
there’s a guy out there
named the Binster
a realy heavy dude
been workin’ for our government
I think we’re really screwed
oh, where are the real killers, OJ?
when are we gonna find ‘em?
cuttin’ up blondes with their plastic knifes
did the Yankees already sign ‘em?
now the Binster
he lives in a cave
with his CIA contact Fred
did he really do 9/11 Fred
or did you just put that in our heads?
oh, where are the real killers, Johnny?
been lookin’ for them so long
wars for oil with a soccer mom
somebody ought to write a song
now Dick the Prick
went to Georgia
to start yet another war
because he knows dumb Americans
don’t care what they’re fightin’ for
oh, where are the real killers, Sarah?
when are we gonna meet ‘em?
can’t find a trace of these killers
did the polar bears all eat ‘em?
then along comes a guy
named Colby
with no regard for the law
he wrote on his blog
he saw the Binster in town
campaignin’ for a goverment job
oh, where are the real killers, Michael?
I think we’re totally fucked
all the real killers are in office
this country totally sucks!
http://bestobamafacts.com/
OBAMA TRUTHS (important for Obama lovers to remember, especially now)
1. Every now and then, Obama opens his eyes and the world springs into existence.
2. When a tree falls in the forest, Obama hears it.
3. Obama can clap with one hand.
4. Prometheus was punished for plagiarizing Obama.
5. Obama can make a journey of a thousand miles without a single step.
6. Socks worn by Obama are used for climbing walls in Spiderman movies.
7. Hillary Clinton dropped out of the race when she learned Obama’s true name.
8. “Obama” is the very first word in the English language to be a verb, adjective, noun, pronoun, adverb, interjection, superlative and pronad. (Pronad is a new category made specifically for the word “Obama” so its power can be fully realized).
9. When Obama squints dreamily into the distance, he can see next week’s lottery winning numbers. But he never plays because that would mean poverty of ambition.
10. Obama can calculate your guilt just by looking at the numbers in your checkbook.
11. A microphone into which Obama has spoken, heals asbestos-related disorders and colorectal cancer by direct application.
12. Every time Obama talks about change, a baby diaper becomes clean and a homeless person’s cup fills up with nickels.
13. Every time Obama talks about “hope,” coma patients regain consciousness and chant “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”
14. Obama’s famous stare once converted 15 Islamic fundamentalists into secular progressives, all of whom are currently employed by Countrywide Home Loans.
15. Obama is 50% typical White person.
16. Obama’s real mother was young John Kerry who reproduces asexually when coming into contact with foreign Marxists.
17. Obama often says “uh” in his speeches in order to irritate Bill O’Rilley who hangs onto his every word.
18. Obama always overpays his taxes because he believes that the government will find a better use for his money than he ever could.
19.When Obama rids the world of nuclear weapons, the red button in his office will control the thermostats in American homes.
20.Obama brings change to the world every time he closes his eyes and imagines that Twin Towers never existed.
21. After a hearty meal Obama has been known to send off a tiny ripple of hope. This tiny ripple of hope in Chicago can cause change throughout the world.
22. When Obama relaxes at home with his family he switches to a British accent.
23.Obama’s wife is a Klingon.
24. Obama’s children are named Child 1 and Child 2 respectively.
25. Our universe is held together by the force of Michelle Obama’s benevolent willpower, but her patience is running thin.
26. Michelle Obama has saved humanity from destruction many times and is slightly annoyed that we haven’t returned the favor.
27. Monica Lewinsky owns “I Barack for Obama” bumper sticker.
28. Everything Obama touches begins to vote Democrat.
29. More dead people voted for Obama than for any other Democrat candidate in the history of Chicago politics.
30. The tingle that crawled up Chris Matthews’ leg has taken control of his brain and is reporting a full preparedness to take over the world.
31. Obama can make things disappear just like David Copperfield can, but he hates taking things away from the community.
32. US Mail Service published Obama’s resume on a new first class stamp.
33. In the movies, Obama’s part is played by Robert Redford.
34. Obama can inflate a hot air balloon in one blow. He does it for the children.
35. Obama used to spell his name as Ubama but changed it to avoid confusion with Usama bin Laden.
36. When Obama fixes his gaze on the clouds, he is reading his next great line from the big teleprompter in the sky, which is unseen to ordinary humans.
37. One time the Republicans paid a voodoo priest to reprogram the teleprompter, and then Obama delivered the speech by Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick instead of his own. But courageous journalist Bob Woodward uncovered the plot, forcing the Republicans to resign. As a result, Obama became even more popular with the downtrodden who didn’t know that it was Gov. Patrick’s speech.
38. Obama wrote “Stairway to Heaven” and many other songs popular among the downtrodden.
39. Obama’s love for the downtrodden heats up the planet’s atmosphere by 5.8 degrees Fahrenheit, while his loathing of George W. Bush cools it down by the same amount. That’s why the scientists have been unable to detect any significant variations in average global temperatures.
40. The main point of Al Gore’s book “Earth in the Balance” is that a disastrous climate change can be averted if we all help keep Obama emotionally balanced.
41. Obama visited Benjamin Franklin in a dream and told him how to live his life serving the community, but all that Franklin could remember was, how to fly a kite.
42. Scientists discovered that a constant repetition of the words “hope” and “change” increases the size of penis in male patients by up to three inches.
43. Any sentence containing the name “Obama” and ending in a question mark has been determined to be racist. The only exceptions are rhetorical sentences such as “Is there any way that Obama could be more perfect?”
44. Obama smokes so you don’t have to.
45. Obama’s cigarettes have been registered at the EPA as a renewable power source contributing 5,000 Megawatts of electricity to the national power grid every time he takes a draw.
46. The “smoke” that comes out of Obama’s mouth contains rare gases that help replenish the ozone layer and neutralize the industrial pollution.
47. Obama once downed a Fox News satellite simply by clicking on a universal TV remote in his living room. Obama then reprogrammed the remaining satellites to broadcast reruns of Keith Olbermann’s show, thus expanding the consciousness of the average American TV viewer and raising awareness by 19%.
48. When Obama speaks about universal healthcare, the risk of cardiovascular diseases decreases by 58 percent, and the risk of cancer decreases by 60 percent.
49. Obama knows that his healthcare plan is going to work because he personally tested it in a leper colony, where he healed everyone by shaking hands and kissing babies.
50. In Portland, Oregon, Obama fed a multitude of 75 thousand with five government subsidy forms and two rolls of red tape.
51. An unkind word about Obama’s family serves as a passkey to the hottest rings of Hell.
52. When Obama smiles, somewhere in America a door opens to an abortion clinic.
53. When Obama claps his hands, a child is born in a Third World country.
54. When Obama stomps his foot, a sweatshop closes in Asia, with thousands of children in the streets demanding that the United States send them financial aid, food, and medicine.
55. Deep down, everyone’s an Obama.